"May I," "Thank you," "I'm sorry"

Pope Francis' Wednesday Audience

13 May 2015

Today’s catechesis will serve as a doorway to a series of reflections on family life and what it’s really like to live in a family, day in and day out. Imagine three expressions written above the doorway; expressions I’ve already mentioned here in Saint Peter’s Square several times before. The expressions are: “may I?”, “thank you”, and “pardon me”. Indeed, these expressions open up the way to living well in your family, to living in peace. They are simple expressions, but not so simple to put into practice! They hold much power: the power to keep the home life intact even when tested with a thousand problems. But if they are absent, little holes can start to crack open and the whole thing may even collapse.

We usually include these expressions under the general category of being “well-mannered”. Okay, a well-mannered person asks permission, says thanks, and asks to be excused after making a mistake. Very well. But good manners really are that important. A great Bishop, Francis de Sales, used to say that “good manners are are already half the way to holiness”. But be careful: history has shown that good manners also can become a kind of formalism that masks a dryness of soul and indifference toward the other person. It is often said, “behind a lot of good manners lurk a lot of bad habits”. Not even religion is immune from the risk of having formal observance sink into spiritual worldliness. The Devil, tempting Jesus, boasts of good manners. Indeed, he presents himself as a gentleman, a knight in shining armor. He even presents himself as a theologian by quoting Holy Scripture. He appears to have everything right and neat on the outside, but his intent is always to lead others astray from the truth of God’s love. We, however, mean “good manners” only in the most authentic way, according to which the habit of cultivating good relations is firmly rooted in a love for the good and a respect for the other person. The family lives according to this refined sense of loving.

Let’s look at these expressions: the first expression is, “may I?” When we take care to ask for something kindly – even something we think we have a rightful claim to – we help to strengthen the common life that undergirds marriage and the family. To enter into the life of another, even when that person already has a part to play in our life, demands the sensitivity of a non-invasive attitude which renews trust and respect. Indeed, the deeper and more intimate love is, the more it calls for a respect for the freedom of the other and the ability to wait until he or she opens the door to the heart. At this point, we can remember the words of Jesus in the Book of Revelation: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if any one hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me” (3:20). Even the Lord asks permission to enter! Let us not forget that. Before doing anything in your family, ask: “Do you mind if I do this? Would you like me to do this?” This way of asking is well-mannered indeed, but it is also full of love. This does so much good for families.

The second expression is “thank you”. Sometimes we have to wonder if we are turning into a civilization of bad manners and bad words, as if this were a sign of self-liberation. It’s not uncommon to hear these bad words publicly. Kindness and the ability to say thanks are often considered a sign of weakness and raise the suspicion of others. This tendency is encountered even within the nucleus of the family. We must become firmly determined to educate others to be grateful and appreciative: the dignity of the person and social justice must both pass through the portal of the family. If family life neglects this style of living, social life will also reject it. Gratitude, however, stands at the very core of the faith of the believer. A Christian who does not know how to thank has lost the very “language” of God. This is terrible! Let’s not forget Jesus’s question after he heals the ten lepers and only one of them returns to thank him (Luke 17:18). I remember once listening to a very wise, old person; very simple, but with that uncommon wisdom of life and piety: “Gratitude is a plant that grows only in the soil of noble souls”. That nobility of soul, that grace of God in the soul compels us to say “thanks” in gratitude. It is the flower of a noble soul. This really is something beautiful.

The third expression is “excuse me”. Granted, it’s not always easy to say, but it is so necessary. Whenever it is lacking, the little cracks begin to open up – even when we don’t want them to – and they can even become enormous sinkholes. It’s hardly insignificant that in the “Our Father” that Jesus teaches us – a prayer that sums up all of life’s essential questions – we find this expression: “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matt 6:16). To acknowledge that we have fallen short, to be desirous of returning that which has been taken away – respect, sincerity, love – these make us worthy of pardon. This is how we heal the infection. If we are not able to forgive ourselves, then we are no longer able to forgive period. A house in which the words “I’m sorry” are never uttered begins to lack air, and the flood waters begin to choke those who live inside. So many wounds, so many cuts and bruises are the result of a lack of these precious words: “I am sorry”. Marriage life is so often torn apart by fights … the “plates will even start flying”, but let me give you a word of advice: never finish the day without making peace with one another. Listen to me carefully: have you fought with your wife or husband? Kids – have you fought with your parents? Did you fight hard? That’s not a good thing, but that’s not really the problem: the problem arises only if this feeling hangs over into the next day. So if you’ve fought, do not let the day end without making peace with your family. And how am I going to make peace? By getting down on my knees? No! Just by a small gesture, a little something, and harmony within your family will be restored. Just a little caress, no words necessary. But don’t let the sun go down on your family without having made your peace. Do you understand me? It’s not easy, but you have to do it. It will help to make life so much more beautiful.

So these are three key expressions for family life are really simple words; so simple that perhaps they even bring a grin to our face. But when we forget them, it’s no laughing matter, right? Perhaps we overlook our good manners too often. May the Lord help us to put them back where they belong: in our hearts, in our houses, and in our civic life. These are the words that truly enter into the love of a family.

Newman: The Definition of a Gentleman

http://catholiceducation.org/en/culture/catholic-contributions/the-definition-of-a-gentleman.html

Blessed John Henry Cardinal Newman
(1801-1890)

Hence it is that it is almost a definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts pain.
He is mainly occupied in merely removing the obstacles which hinder the free and unembarrassed action of those about him; and he concurs with their movements rather than takes the initiative himself.

His benefits may be considered as parallel to what are called comforts or conveniences in arrangements of a personal nature; like an easy chair or a good fire, which do their part in dispelling cold and fatigue, though nature provides both means of rest and animal heat without them. The true gentleman in like manner carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast — all clashing of opinion, or collision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his great concern being to make every one at his ease and at home. He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender towards the bashful, gentle towards the distant, and merciful towards the absurd; he can recollect to whom he is speaking; he guards against unseasonable allusions, or topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and never wearisome. He makes light of favors while he does them, and seems to be receiving when he is conferring.

He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never defends himself by a mere retort; he has no ears for slander or gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and interprets everything for the best. He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities or sharp saying for arguments, or insinuates evil which he dare not say out. From a long-sighted prudence, he observes the maxim of the ancient sage, that we should ever conduct ourselves towards our enemy as if he were one day to be our friend. He has too much good sense to be affronted at insults, he is too well employed to remember injuries, and too indolent to bear malice. He is patient, forbearing, and resigned, on philosophical principles; he submits to pain, because it is inevitable, to bereavement, because it is irreparable, and to death, because it is his destiny.

If he engages in controversy of any kind, his disciplined intellect preserves him from the blundering discourtesy of better, perhaps, but less educated minds; who, like blunt weapons, tear and hack instead of cutting clean, who mistake the point in argument, waste their strength on trifles, misconceive their adversary, and leave the question more involved than they find it. He may be right or wrong in his opinion, but he is too clear-headed to be unjust; he is as simple as he is forcible, and as brief as he is decisive. Nowhere shall we find greater candor, consideration, indulgence: he throws himself into the minds of his opponents, he accounts for their mistakes. He knows the weakness of human reason as well as its strength, its province and its limits.

If he be an unbeliever, he will be too profound and large-minded to ridicule religion or to act against it; he is too wise to be a dogmatist or fanatic in his infidelity. He respects piety and devotion; he even supports institutions as venerable, beautiful, or useful, to which he does not assent; he honors the ministers of religion, and it contents him to decline its mysteries without assailing or denouncing them. He is a friend of religious toleration, and that, not only because his philosophy has taught him to look on all forms of faith with an impartial eye, but also from the gentleness and effeminacy of feeling, which is the attendant on civilization.


Acknowledgement
John Henry Cardinal Newman. "The Definition of a Gentleman." In The Idea of a University 1854.

The Author
Blessed John Henry Newman was born in London, 21 February 1801, and died Birmingham, 11 August 1890. Through his published writings and private correspondence he created a greater understanding of the Catholic Church and its teachings, helping many persons with their religious difficulties. At his death he was praised for his unworldliness, humility, and prayerful contact with the invisible world. Blessed John Henry Cardinal Newman is the author of many books including, Parochial and Plain Sermons, Essay on the Development of Christian Doctrine, An Essay in Aid of a Grammar of Assent, Difficulties of Anglicans, The Idea of a University, Fifteen Sermons Preached Before the University of Oxford Between A.D. 1826 and 1843, and Apologia Pro Vita Sua.

Contemplating Christ makes us grow humanly, makes us joyful

“When you embark on the journey of contemplating Jesus, of prayer and penance with Jesus Christ, your humanity grows. Cloistered nuns are called to have great humanity, a humanity like that of our Mother Church. How does a nun express that humanity? Through joy, joy and then more joy! It saddens me when I see nuns who are not joyful. They may smile, but it's a fake smile like that of a flight attendant. No! Show that smile that joy that comes from within, ok?”

--Pope Francis, 4 October 2013, to cloistered nuns
http://www.romereports.com/palio/pope-to-cloistered-nuns-smile-show-the-inner-joy-that-comes-from-knowing-jesus-english-11229.html#.Uk973dJkN8E

Mary "helps us in our growth, she helps us to face life, she teaches us to be free"

[Emphases have been added and are not part of the original text.]

Dear brothers and sisters!

This evening we are here before Mary. We have prayed to her, to maternally take us more and more in union with her Son Jesus; we have brought her our joys and our sorrows, our hopes and our difficulties; we have invoked her with the lovely name “Salus Populi Romani” (“protectress of the Roman people”) asking for all of us, for Rome, for the world that she keep us in good health. Yes, because Mary gives us health, she is our saving grace.

With his Passion, Death and Resurrection, Jesus Christ brings us salvation, the grace and the joy of being God’s children and the possibility of calling him with the name of the Father. Mary is a mother, a mother who takes care above all of the health of her children and knows how to heal them with her great and tender love. The Madonna is the custodian of our health. What does this mean? My thoughts go, above all, to three aspects: she helps us in our growth, she helps us to face life, she teaches us to be free.

1. A mother helps her children to grow and it is her wish that they grow well; this is why she teaches them to not yield to laziness – which is something that derives also from certain well-being -, she teaches them not to adapt themselves to a life of ease that desires nothing beyond material possessions. A mother takes care that her children’s growth is not stunted, that they grow strong and capable of taking responsibilities upon themselves, that they take on commitments in life and lean towards great ideals. The Gospel of Luke says that in the family of Nazareth Jesus “grew and became strong in spirit, filled with wisdom; and the grace of God was upon Him”(Luke 2,40). This is exactly what the Madonna does with us, she helps us to grow humanely and in faith, to be strong and not to yield to the temptation of being men and Christians in a superficial way, but to live with responsibility, reaching upwards all the time.

2. And then, a mother thinks of the health of her children, teaching them to face the difficulties of life. One does not educate, one does not look after someone’s health avoiding problems, as if life was a highway without obstacles. A mother helps her children to look to the problems in life with realism, not to lose oneself in them but to tackle them with courage, not to be weak, to know how to overcome them, in a healthy balance that a mother can “feel” is to be found in between the areas of safety and of risk. A life without challenges does not exist and a boy or a girl who does not know how to face challenges and put himself or herself on the line, has no backbone! Let us remember the parable of the Good Samaritan: Jesus does not commend the behavior of the priest or of the Levite, who avoid assisting the traveler who had been beaten, robbed and left half dead along the road, but that of the Samaritan who saw the situation of the man and tackled it in a concrete manner. Mary lived many difficult times in her life, from the birth of Jesus, when “there was no room for him in the inn” (Luke 2,7), up until the Calvary: (John 19,25). And like a good mother she is close to us so that we never lose courage before the adversities of life, before our own weaknesses, before our sins: she gives us strength, she points to the path of her Son. From the cross, indicating John, Jesus tells Mary: “Woman, here is your son,” and to John: “Here is your mother!” (John 19,26-27). We are all represented by that disciple: the Lord entrusts us to the loving hands and to the tenderness of the Mother, so that we can rely on her support when we face and overcome the difficulties of our human and Christian journey.

3. One last aspect: a good mother not only accompanies her children during their growth, not avoiding the problems and the challenges of life; a good mother also helps to take important decisions with freedom. But what does freedom mean? Certainly not doing all that one wants, letting oneself be dominated by passions, passing from one experience to the next without discernment, following the trends of the moment; freedom does not mean, so to say, throwing all that one does not like from the window. Freedom is given to us so that we make good choices in life! As a good mother, Mary teaches us to be, like she is, capable of making important decisions with the same full freedom with which she answered “yes” to God’s plan for her life (Luke 1,38).

Dear brothers and sisters, how difficult it is in our time to take important decisions! The ephemeral seduces us. We are victims of a tendency that pushes us towards the ephemeral… as if we wished to remain adolescents throughout our lives! We must not be afraid of definitive commitments, of commitments that involve and have an effect on our whole lives. In this way our lives will be fruitful!

The whole existence of Mary is a hymn to life, a hymn to love and to life: she generated Jesus the man and she accompanied the birth of the Church on Mount Calvary and in the Cenacle. The “Salus Populi Romani” is the mother that looks after our growth, she helps us face and overcome problems, she gives us freedom when we make important decisions; she is the mother who teaches us to be fruitful of good, joy, hope, to give life to others, both physical and spiritual life.

This is what we are asking of you this evening, Oh Mary, Salus Populi Romani, for the people of Rome, for all of us: give us the grace that only you can give, so that we may always be signs and tools of life.


教宗：瑪利亞，請助我們抵禦誘惑作出明確選擇

教宗方濟各返回聖母雪地大殿誦念玫瑰經。每一個「好媽媽」「幫助我們成長、面對生活、享受自由。」「沒有挑戰的人生不存在的，孩子不知道該如何面對挑戰」。自由「不是按自己的需要去做，讓個人的激情帶動，沒有辨別之下，從一個經驗傳遞到下一個。自由是給我們在生活中做出正確的選擇！」

羅馬（亞洲新聞） - 能夠作出明確的決定，以抗拒誘惑。教宗懇求瑪利亞，形容她的生命是一首「生命贊歌」，作為一位「好媽媽」，「幫助我們成長、面對生活、享受自由。」祈禱時常是生命的標記和工具，這是教宗方濟各今晚在羅馬聖母雪地大殿，向聖母誦念玫瑰經后的默想分享。

教宗抵達首間在西方奉獻給聖母的大殿。他在3月14日（圖）他當選翌日曾經到哪裡祈禱。在傍晚時，已有大批群眾在等候他。他在大門處吻了十字架，作為「接管」大殿的象征行動，然后入內在聖母畫像前祈禱，誦念玫瑰經的歡喜五端。

在聖母祈禱后，教宗方濟各向在場的信眾，談到瑪利亞作為一位母親，就像所有好媽媽一樣，「照顧她的孩子的健康，並知道她如何以偉大和溫良的愛如何來治療他們。聖母是我們健康的托管人。什麼意思？我想，這有三方面：她幫助我們成長；她幫助我們面對生活；她教導我們要自由。」

「一位母親幫助其孩子成長，她希望他們長大；這就是為什麼她教導子女不要屈服於懶惰。她教導他們不要不用隻渴望超越物質財富。一位母親照顧孩子，隻要他們的成長不是發育不良，他們成長強壯，能夠負起自己的責任，及承諾在生活的投身，以及傾向偉大的理想。聖母幫助我們以人性和在信德中成長，要堅強，而不要屈服於膚淺的誘惑，人和基督徒，要度有責任的生活，時常向上。」

「然后，母親挂心孩子的健康，教導他們面對生活的困難。人不是教育，不是看顧他們的健康以避免有問題，仿佛生命是一條沒有障礙的公路。一位母親幫助她的孩子面對現實生活中存在的問題，不要在他們中失去自己，但要有勇氣去解決這些問題，不是要軟弱，而是要知道如何克服這些問題，以一個健康的平衡方式，一位母親可以感受，可以在安全及有風險之間。」

「最后一方面：一位好母親不僅伴隨著她的孩子，他們的成長過程中，不回避問題和生活的挑戰；一位好母親，有助充滿自由去作出重大決策。但自由是什麼意思？當然不要讓自己的激情主導事情，要有明辨能力，把一個經驗傳遞到下一個。否則，就像把不喜歡的東西從窗口扔出去，這不是自由。自由要我們在生活中做出很好的選擇！作為一個好母親，瑪利亞教導我們，在重要的決定，一如她自己，以充分自由，對於天主對她的生活的計劃，回答『是』。」

「我們的時代要作出重要決定是何等困難！這短暫的事誘惑我們。我們是這種傾向的受害者，它催迫我們邁向短暫。一如我們希望我們的整個生活保持青少年心態！我們絕不能害怕明確承諾，該承諾要參與並影響我們的整個生命。這樣，我們的生活將是碩果累累！」

「瑪利亞的存在是一首生命贊歌，一首愛與生命的贊歌。她養育耶穌成人，她在加爾瓦略山上陪伴教會誕生，在晚餐廳亦然。聖母照顧我們的成長，她可以幫助我們面對和克服的問題，她給了我們自由去做重要決定；她是教我們富有善、喜悅、希望、給生命別人，包括身體和精神生活。這是我今天晚上，希望大家一起祈禱。噢，瑪利亞，為了羅馬人民，為我們所有人：求你給我們的恩寵，隻有你可以給我們，成為我們生命的標志和工具。」【妮】

http://www.asianews.it/news-zh/%E6%95%99%E5%AE%97%EF%BC%9A%E7%8E%9B%E5%88%A9%E4%BA%9A%EF%BC%8C%E8%AF%B7%E5%8A%A9%E6%88%91%E4%BB%AC%E6%8A%B5%E7%A6%A6%E8%AF%B1%E6%83%91%E4%BD%9C%E5%87%BA%E6%98%8E%E7%A1%AE%E9%80%89%E6%8B%A9-27834.html

AN EXHORTATION TO GREATER VIRTUE

From Simeon Peter, servant and apostle of Jesus Christ; to all who treasure the same faith as ourselves, given through the righteousness of our God and saviour Jesus Christ. May you have more and more grace and peace as you come to know our Lord more and more.

By his divine power, he has given us all the things that we need for life and for true devotion, bringing us to know God himself, who has called us by his own glory and goodness. In making these gifts, he has given us the guarantee of something very great and wonderful to come: through them you will be able to share the divine nature and to escape corruption in a world that is sunk in vice. But to attain this, you will have to do your utmost yourselves, adding goodness to the faith that you have, understanding to your goodness, self-control to your understanding, patience to your self-control, true devotion to your patience, kindness towards your fellow men to your devotion, and, to this kindness, love. If you have a generous supply of these, they will not leave you ineffectual or unproductive: they will bring you to a real knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But without them a man is blind or else short-sighted; he has forgotten how his past sins were washed away. Brothers, you have been called and chosen: work all the harder to justify it. If you do all these things there is no danger that you will ever fall away. In this way you will be granted admittance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ.

--II Peter 1:1-11

THE NEED FOR HUMAN MATURITY

Your years in the seminary should also be a time of growth towards human maturity. It is important for the priest, who is called to accompany others through the journey of life up to the threshold of death, to have the right balance of heart and mind, reason and feeling, body and soul, and to be humanly integrated. To the theological virtues the Christian tradition has always joined the cardinal virtues derived from human experience and philosophy, and, more generally, from the sound ethical tradition of humanity. Paul makes this point this very clearly to the Philippians: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (4:8). This also involves the integration of sexuality into the whole personality. Sexuality is a gift of the Creator yet it is also a task which relates to a person’s growth towards human maturity. When it is not integrated within the person, sexuality becomes banal and destructive. Today we can see many examples of this in our society. Recently we have seen with great dismay that some priests disfigured their ministry by sexually abusing children and young people. Instead of guiding people to greater human maturity and setting them an example, their abusive behaviour caused great damage for which we feel profound shame and regret. As a result of all this, many people, perhaps even some of you, might ask whether it is good to become a priest; whether the choice of celibacy makes any sense as a truly human way of life. Yet even the most reprehensible abuse cannot discredit the priestly mission, which remains great and pure. Thank God, all of us know exemplary priests, men shaped by their faith, who bear witness that one can attain to an authentic, pure and mature humanity in this state and specifically in the life of celibacy. Admittedly, what has happened should make us all the more watchful and attentive, precisely in order to examine ourselves earnestly, before God, as we make our way towards priesthood, so as to understand whether this is his will for me. It is the responsibility of your confessor and your superiors to accompany you and help you along this path of discernment. It is an essential part of your journey to practise the fundamental human virtues, with your gaze fixed on the God who has revealed himself in Christ, and to let yourselves be purified by him ever anew.

--Benedict XVI, Letter to Seminarians, 6, 18 October 2010

In all her endeavours she consistently showed unusual presence of mind, common sense, and courage, as when she chased away a bull on the road in order to protect her girls and when she scared off thieves who broke into the convent one night.

(Fr Brian Kolodiejchuk, MC, The Private Writings of the "Saint of Calcutta")